i wish i didn’t look into things too much all the time.
i’m really confused.
even when i shouldn’t be
because i think
i know that i’m just reading too much into things
i want to believe what a tiny part of my brain assumes
i want to believe it
but i know it’s not practical/possible
it means nothing
and i should let it remain nothing
because it’s giving me false hope
and that’s the last thing i need
to be broken by you again
i don’t know what to do
you walked up there with your guitar in hand. you sat at the chair in front of the room, in front of me. i stared at you intently the whole time. you said you were going to play a cover of a song by the band brand new. the song was the boy who blocked his own shot. as soon as i heard that, my heart began to beat so fast my chest started to hurt. i was all of a sudden filled with such longing that i could be up there with you, by your side. remembering how we used to harmonize together to this very same song in your room and you’d laugh at me when i couldn’t figure out the harmonizing part. it wasn’t until after you left that i started to be able to figure it out. i wonder if you’d be impressed now. i wished so badly that we could return to that time where we’d never run out of conversation and you would know every song that i loved on the guitar.
when you sung that song today, i fell in love with you once again.
i was singing quietly to it as if we had been singing it together. then on my way back into the common room, i ran into you walking out. you passed me without saying anything. before i could let you get too far away, i called back “i liked your cover”. you turned back, gave me that genuine smile that you so very occasionally gift me with and said “thanks”. i had rehearsed it in my head. this small interaction. because i couldn’t afford any more mistakes with you. not this late into the year. it’s the end of april. in a few weeks, i may never see you again. and that makes me incredibly sad
now looking back, i wish i had volunteered to sing with you or at least brought it up afterwards. i missed my chance and aside from that small moment of connection, we’re just as distant as we have been. you’re just as out of reach.
is it sad that for a second, when i heard you play the first few notes on your guitar, that i thought you’d picked that song for a reason? i couldn’t believe that you have just forgotten everything about us and everything we used to do. do you remember that that song meant something to us back then? or have you forgotten?
i don’t know..
but i haven’t
i sat on my bed desperately wanting to cry hysterically but as always, i couldn’t bring myself to. but if i could, they would have been the first tears i cried for a boy.
my friend victoria who knows about you but doesn’t know you was there tonight. in the past, she would listen to me whine about you all the time. she told me she sympathized with me at first but after awhile couldn’t see why i couldn’t get past you. she listened to you play tonight and she said she understood why i felt the way i did about you. you play with such conviction, such passion. your voice is average but you have a talent for captivating people. the small details you add in add so much to the song; it’s brilliant. she told me after that she believes that anyone who could play as beautifully as you do must be a good person. that deep down, you’re probably a very good person. i told her, “i know”
i wonder if anybody’s actually had feelings for me, like actually got upset or mad over little things i did and got jealous and confused over me and thought about me on a regular basis. i feel like i’m the only person that ever really cares about anyone and that nobody’s ever felt that way for me.